I feel like I was punched in the gut

I literally just read the awful news that Roe v. Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court. I feel like I cant breathe. Everyday it seems like rights are taken from us. Death, destruction, war, panic, fear, opportunity, options at all for some. We as people are being stifled and oppressed and told to just bend over and take it! This is NOT okay!

How should it be anyone’s right to make decisions about the health and care of your own body? Women can make a decision to remove their breasts if they are concerned about cancer, but not reproductive health? If men were the ones to get pregnant this would be a non issue.

I was told a few stories recently that the general public may not understand about what danger is now in store for women. Whether you believe in abortion or not…that really isnt the only issue. There are women who unfortunately have children who die in the womb. Or who at no fault of the mother, the fetus could kill the mother if brought to term. There are also babies that will die once out of the womb.

And those children now will have to be brought to term (due date) before able to be delivered. It will now be illegal to remove the fetus even at risk of the mother dying. One person shared this was the most traumatic event in her life. Besides losing the baby, she was deathly sick. The deteriorating baby was causing toxicity in the mama. If she carried to due date she would die. Then the process of finding a place to remove the fetus was very difficult in her conservative state. The thought of going through this process now, safely, is nearly impossible. Please see this story for a personal account of the events that occur and will be made worse now. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/roe-v-wade-overturned-wanted-pregnancy-miscarriage-b2108799.html

Why are we going backwards? Why are rights being taken away? Why are guns and control over women and people of color where we need to go back to? Where is the America that stands for freedom and justice FOR ALL? Whose agenda is this? The wealthy elite who think we will be so distracted with survival in this new awful world they can do what they want? F@$k that!

You can do something. You have to do something! You can vote for those who want to preserve our democracy, protect our children and women. Those who will remove oppressive and divisive practices from law. You can Vote for those that want to save our planet from climate change. You can Vote for those who will tax the billionaires. Those who stand up to bullies. Those who believe we can all dream and succeed. You can also run for public office and work to change your own communities.

Please don’t give up. Please dont become so overwhelmed that you do nothing. Your voice matters and if you do nothing those that wish to hold the power to oppress win. And we all lose.

True love

Once upon a time I walked alone, with no true love to call my own.

I gave all, did all, was all to all, hoping maybe to receive all.

But I didn’t because I didn’t believe true love existed. It only lived in the romantic comedies I watched. In the stories of others. True love couldn’t be real. People don’t stay, marriages don’t work.

But I wanted it. They say God puts things in our heart, our dreams, our desires because we are worthy, because He has things for us. We all are capable of, worthy of and in need of love.

I say quite frequently that words become things, so be mindful of what you say, what you allow your brain to latch onto.

So externally, I gave off and existed in a way that sabotaged my romantic relationships but internally I had a yearning and unyielding urge for love. To be loved. To be seen and valued and important and admired and adored and taken care of.

So I did a thing. You may have heard of the book The Secret. Well I read it and I followed the instructions. I sat down with a bright blue piece of paper…no idea where I got this neon blue paper, but this was my Secret launching document to get the man of my dreams. I wrote down all the things he should be. Tall, dark, handsome, big smile, educated, loving, loves God, takes care of me, good lover, good father, etc, etc. So I put it away as instructed and proceeded with my life.

Maybe a year later, 2 weeks before I bought my first home I met the man who later became my husband. This lovely man helped his new girlfriend move into her new house and while unpacking guess what turned up? That bright blue piece of paper. Btw…his favorite color is blue… creepy.

I started reading the list and tears sprung from my eyes. I was awestruck. How was it possible that I asked the universe…God.. for this lovely man and he appeared just as I asked? It still gives me cold chills to think about it.

Once upon a time I walked alone with no true love to call my own. Then I asked for the man of my dreams and just like that I was seen. He found me, he was sent to love me to be my happily ever after.

Moral of the story…words become things. Words written become realities. Dare to ask dare to dream dare to receive everything life has to offer.

Who am I?

Who am I? Who do I wish to be? Do I play it safe or Do I choose something risky?

Am I a mother? Am I a wife? Am I a woman? Am I a child? Am I a worker? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I happy? Am I sad?

Who am I? What path do I choose? Do I choose the straight and narrow? Do I get entangled? Do I run from a fight? Do I jump into every challenge?

Do I love? Do I hate? Do I get angry? Do I debate?

Am I a sister if my sister is gone? Am I a daughter if my father is gone? Am I a granddaughter if my grandparents are gone? Am I loved if their love is gone?

As a mother of 2 beautiful children and a wife to a wonderful husband the roles that I place myself into change constantly like water flowing into every nook and cranny that requires me, but in those constant changes where do I go? Where is the true essence of me? Is it left in all those other nooks and crannies or does the essence of me still reside as a whole within me? How do I know that I am still me if me is everywhere else?

How do I find the me that I’m supposed to be? That I want to be? That I am? Do I pray? Do I meditate? Do I trust that God knows who I am and will keep me together…that He will put me back together when all the pieces of me seem to be distributed and gone?

I have no choice – I must trust that all will be well…that all IS well.

I have to Because I am here. Because I am writing these words, because I am seeking wholeness. If I am seeking it – then it IS – then completeness exists and has been here all along. I know that God resides within me and finds a way to bring all of the pieces back so that I can continue to be redistributed.

But how do I find a way to put myself back together on those days when finding the pieces seems impossible?

I have to stay in motion. I have to wake up each day, breathe in and out and pull the bits of me out of all the beautiful places they have been stored.

In the hug from my children as I wake each day.

The snuggle requests to ensure I know I’m loved.

The warm hug and smooch from my hubby as we meet in the kitchen for coffee.

The ride to school dancing to our favorite tunes.

The last run back hug from my toddler as I drop her off at school.

The appreciation from my team when I teach them a new tool.

The intrinsic reward at the end of a long day when I know the products I have prepared helped the leaders I work with.

The texts from my mom group checking in and sharing kid stories.

The venting sessions and girly giggles between me and my best friend.

And the list goes on. It can be hard to move forward in this life as crazy and awful as it is some days to exist…to read the news…to hear the tragedies of those around us. When the struggle to find those pieces seems oh so hard. But I assure you, once you find that breadcrumb, that tiny piece coming back and your heart feels a bit of warmth, the search for wholeness gets a bit easier.

You’re never alone. No matter how lonely you feel there are always people going through the same experiences. I encourage you to build a network if you don’t have one. If you do have one work on sharing your authentic self, you may be surprised how much more you have in common with people. So day by day, experience by experience, gather those pieces until your cup overflows. You will know when you’ve reached capacity because your spirit will urge you – almost unconsciously to help someone else. To show someone that crumb they may have missed. And in that kindness a spark of hope emerges in you both.

Would love to hear your stories or shared experiences.

Say the thing

Ever have that feeling that something must be said? That deep within, in that soulful place that whispers and moves you without you even realizing it sometimes; that an action, activity must happen or words must be released?

That the person before you needs something. A kind word? A smile? A genuine how are you and a listening ear?

I feel like we hide ourselves away from this intuition by turning away from opportunitirs for social exchanges, especially now with fear of covid and years of isolation.

Humans are social beings. We were never meant to be alone. To be so disconnected. So when you have that soul itch to say something, to show kindness or offer your soul to another soul – even for a moment, be there. Be present. Give that gift of your spirit and presence. You never know who it could help or save or even how much it could mean for you.

Fear

We all have moments where life is hard and scary and overwhelming. Where it feels like there is no bright light in sight. I was in a low place when I wrote this, and reminded myself in life we always have choices. Breathe, find gratitude and joy where you can even on those bad days.

Fear

Pain. Silence. Heart throbbing. Breath tight on my chest.

Panic.

Overwhelming. Piercing. Discomfort. Itch of a thousand ants swarming my body.

Sadness.

In my throat. Shallow breaths. Eyes prick with tears. Hold them back she said. Hold them in she said. No room or time for tears she said.

Pain.

The pain of holding the fear, the panic, the sadness make me heavy and angry and ill. Sick with regret. And disappointment. And lost opportunities. How high could I fly if i cut the weight … the concrete binding me to bad choices, procrastination, fear.

How high

How high?

How HIGH?

Breathe….fly….dream…believe. believe in me. Fly high she said. Fly so high the birds follow, so high the clouds thin, so high your breath is only labored by exhilaration.

So high

So high?

SO HIGH!!

**If you’re experiencing feelings of depression or anxiety please seek help. Counseling can make all the difference for your self preservation and self-care.

Love to hear your thoughts!

Some days the sad hits hard

This post has sat in my drafts for a while,and even though I don’t feel particularly sad, there are those days and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

My goodness! It’s been a long time! Not sure if it’s the weather, the pandemic, the isolation, fear, anxiety over the future as we know it, but today it all hit me. If you know me you know that optimism is my kevlar, my armour, and I usually have triple coats on…hard to get me down or hard for me not to see the better side of any situation, but today, that armour feels like it’s been hit with a rocket launcher.

I know all the things to do, how to take care of myself etc., but sometimes when they’re are so many clouds to find the silver lining in you get tired. For all of you that are struggling know you aren’t alone. I see you. I feel you. And we are going to be okay. This is temporary and we will get to the other side.

See what I did there? In the midst of sharing my stuff I found a way to comfort myself and you! I started the post to share my reality, but when we do that we automatically find ways to cope and bring healing to ourselves and others. If you are struggling let people you love know. It can be wildly cathartic.

Hang in their friends! Breathe. Love. Vote. Heal. Thrive. Keep your beautiful human spirit alive.

Dream

Once upon a time I had a dream. I wrote it down…I thought about it. I talked about it, I asked questions, I did research. I did the work…I did some work, maybe not enough work. I stalled, I second guessed, I paused, I researched some more, I believed more in the not than the can be. I was afraid. I was paralyzed. What if? What do I want? Will this honor God? Will this honor me? My family? Will the work, the time, the sacrifice be for not?

How do I reconcile the dream from reality. If there is a desire in my heart, I must see it through….God would not keep pushing and urging me if it’s not important. But what is important? How do I take a break from my most important job with my little people during a pandemic and feel ok about it? Is that an excuse? Can I begin to take time for me?

These are the thoughts of a mother. A mother who loves her children and thinks of them before herself. I’m sure there are those that can relate. I have to say it, I matter too. You matter too. Your needs and success matter too. It’s okay to take a break and self-care so that you can be a wonderful role model of balance. You got this!

Action is always better than inaction. Take that action to make your dreams come true!

What dreams are you working on? What tactics do you use to balance your needs with the needs of your loved ones?

Marriage

Being married is hard and fun and amazing. The feeling is security, peace, monotony (especially during this pandemic! Total groundhog day), synchronicity, struggle, compromise, journey, love, family, friendship, love, disappointment, sadness, relief, bliss, betterment, love, hope.

There are a range of emotions because being human is hard. We have good days and bad days. We have days where we suck and say or do all the wrong things and days when we really shine. Days where we shine because of me or shine because of we. The thing about marriage is it isn’t a place for selfishness or secrets. It’s not a place to hide. It’s a place to bare your soul, to open that closet with all the ugly things inside because when it’s with the right person even the ugly is accepted.

Fighting and hurting unfortunately occur, but it is the foundation that you pour that allows those blows to ripple off. It is the work you put in each day to mesmerize your love, to thank your love which reinforces that foundation so that when the tough days come they slide by like a passing storm, thunderous but unable to destroy your masterpiece.

I think of the work my husband and I did in the beginning and I am so relieved that we fought for each other and for this beautiful life but am reminded that more must be done each day to ensure this work of art stands the test of time.

To all those working each day to build your own house and construct a house of love with your partner, keep loving, keep working and stay thankful. If you’re looking for that love of a lifetime, focus on creating the best version of yourself and the right addition will arrive at the right time as long as you’re ready and able to receive them into your life.

Love to hear your love stories! Please share how you keep your love strong.

How do we measure our life?

As I reflect on another birthday, I cant help but think how life is measured. Is it years? Successes? Family? Career? Money? Fame? Wrinkles?

I recall in developmental psychology we discussed chronological age, biological age and emotional age. So that translates into either how long have you been on earth, how old your body is based on nutrition and environmental factors and how old you feel?

As I celebrate my 2nd COVID19 birthday I decided to give myself an average age combining the 3 types. In my totally unscientific calculation, I am happy to report I’m not a day over 29! I have settled on this age for many years. I felt like I had it all figured out. I had met the man who I would share my life with. I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had bought my first home and life was good. Life was amazing. There have been soaring ups and tragic downs but each day I wake with my heart full, my smile bright, my family close and I thank God for another day.

We don’t know how many we will get. We don’t know how many we will get with the ones we love, but today…TODAY is ours. Today we can do something great. Today we can make a positive impact. Today we can say the thing that would make our heart full to the person who matters. Today we can live and love and laugh and celebrate.

So celebrate today yall! Enjoy this St. Patrick’s day and the gifts that tomorrow brings.

Fearless…also known as sister

When we were kids I idolized her. She was the most beautiful funny fire-hearted person I had ever seen. One night, when I was 9 or 10 she talked me into sneaking out. She was 13 or so and beyond worldly in my eyes. I had absolute trust. After our parents were asleep for a while, I tiptoed down to her room. As I crept through the door, her smile lit the dark room. She was so excited. Was it because of the adventure to come or because I believed in her so fully?

We worked together to pull the screen out of the window, careful to make no noise. She slunk out the window with expertise. My heart beat in my ears, my palms grew moist. As I looked at her, she saw my fear and motioned for me to come closer. I stuck my head out the window and she whispered, “it’s ok, it’s not as far down as it looks and I’m here to catch you if you fall.” With that reassurance my heart began to slow and excitement crept in. I turned my body, working to descend in the same snake like style as my sister, but I looked more like a dumpling dropping into a hot pot. Before I hit the ground I felt her hands around my waist. Surrounding me in the safety net I needed to push through.

I don’t remember much else about the night. I believe we got busted and grounded. But I do remember how I felt about my sister. How much her strength encouraged me and helped me feel safe. Now that she’s gone all I have are memories. My whole life I always wished I had her strength, but maybe I do… maybe I have had it all along…maybe I can remember the fire and courage she taught me and honor her by letting go of excuses and live a life that inspires people. A life that helps other people see that you can break through fear and insecurity by following faith and believing in yourself.

God created us… created me and you to be everything our heart desires so we can serve as an example of His Grace and love. Playing small honors no one and nothing. Fear is a choice. Success is planned, disciplined actions that prepare you for opportunity.

One day, one choice, one action at a time.

How are you you honoring your spirit today?