Who am I? Who do I wish to be? Do I play it safe or Do I choose something risky?
Am I a mother? Am I a wife? Am I a woman? Am I a child? Am I a worker? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I happy? Am I sad?
Who am I? What path do I choose? Do I choose the straight and narrow? Do I get entangled? Do I run from a fight? Do I jump into every challenge?
Do I love? Do I hate? Do I get angry? Do I debate?
Am I a sister if my sister is gone? Am I a daughter if my father is gone? Am I a granddaughter if my grandparents are gone? Am I loved if their love is gone?
As a mother of 2 beautiful children and a wife to a wonderful husband the roles that I place myself into change constantly like water flowing into every nook and cranny that requires me, but in those constant changes where do I go? Where is the true essence of me? Is it left in all those other nooks and crannies or does the essence of me still reside as a whole within me? How do I know that I am still me if me is everywhere else?
How do I find the me that I’m supposed to be? That I want to be? That I am? Do I pray? Do I meditate? Do I trust that God knows who I am and will keep me together…that He will put me back together when all the pieces of me seem to be distributed and gone?
I have no choice – I must trust that all will be well…that all IS well.
I have to Because I am here. Because I am writing these words, because I am seeking wholeness. If I am seeking it – then it IS – then completeness exists and has been here all along. I know that God resides within me and finds a way to bring all of the pieces back so that I can continue to be redistributed.
But how do I find a way to put myself back together on those days when finding the pieces seems impossible?
I have to stay in motion. I have to wake up each day, breathe in and out and pull the bits of me out of all the beautiful places they have been stored.
In the hug from my children as I wake each day.
The snuggle requests to ensure I know I’m loved.
The warm hug and smooch from my hubby as we meet in the kitchen for coffee.
The ride to school dancing to our favorite tunes.
The last run back hug from my toddler as I drop her off at school.
The appreciation from my team when I teach them a new tool.
The intrinsic reward at the end of a long day when I know the products I have prepared helped the leaders I work with.
The texts from my mom group checking in and sharing kid stories.
The venting sessions and girly giggles between me and my best friend.
And the list goes on. It can be hard to move forward in this life as crazy and awful as it is some days to exist…to read the news…to hear the tragedies of those around us. When the struggle to find those pieces seems oh so hard. But I assure you, once you find that breadcrumb, that tiny piece coming back and your heart feels a bit of warmth, the search for wholeness gets a bit easier.
You’re never alone. No matter how lonely you feel there are always people going through the same experiences. I encourage you to build a network if you don’t have one. If you do have one work on sharing your authentic self, you may be surprised how much more you have in common with people. So day by day, experience by experience, gather those pieces until your cup overflows. You will know when you’ve reached capacity because your spirit will urge you – almost unconsciously to help someone else. To show someone that crumb they may have missed. And in that kindness a spark of hope emerges in you both.
Would love to hear your stories or shared experiences.