Externalizing the Problem
This is a great activity I learned from one of my amazing professors at University of South Florida, Dr. Ryan Henry. You can use it with a client or even with yourselves to better understand Read More
Life lessons
The lies we tell ourselves
Have you ever wondered why it is there is that one thing- a habit, a behavior, a prevalent thought, a vice… that no matter how hard it seems you try, you cannot conquer? What is the lie you tell yourself that continues this? I heard an interesting sermon this morning that relates to this topic, and whether you are believers or non believers, the message is powerful. The question asked is what was the event, and what is the lie you tell yourself now? The Pastor’s example was that as a child his parents got divorced and his grandmother would babysit them, and she often soothed him and his siblings with food. He recalled her crying as they ate, yet reassuring them that everything would be okay. He was overweight as a 10 year old, and the lie he told himself is that he would always be fat.
This message of how we speak things into being in our lives, has been delivered in many different forums. I have even addressed this in previous blogs. So, how do we take steps to change this, to conquer our demon?
We Discover Truth. Meditate, pray, listen to the voice within to help you find that truth. Then, live in that truth. If the message says you will always be fat, your truth is that you will honor and protect the health of your body. If you have an addiction, the message AA/NA groups implore you to remember is that you have to give it over to your higher power (whatever a higher power means to you), give up the illusion of control, and live each day one day at a time – without the source of your addiction. If the lie is that you are a bad person, your truth is that no person is bad, there are just bad choices, and from a bad choice a lesson can be learned to start anew. Bottom line, find the truth that resonates for you and boldly decide to honor that truth!
Please comment and share your truth, so others can learn from your journey.
Aging Gracefully
No matter what we do, what we don’t do, what we see, hear, believe or want – one thing remains unchanged about life. Time passes and we get older. We can age gracefully or we can wither away. This year as I reflect on another 29th birthday — hey no judgement! 29 was a good year, so I plan to remain 29! I think about what I have accomplished thus far and what my dreams are for the future. Taking some time each year to reflect on outcomes (goals), accomplishments, and new challenges to embark upon, offers an opportunity to evaluate the commitments you have made to yourself and others and evaluate the results. If the results are not what you had planned or hoped for, chart a new course and continue or develop a new outcome plan. Read More
Choosing a Career
One of the most important and most difficult decisions we face in life is determining the vocation best suited for us. Many factors come into play such as: what are my interests, abilities and aptitudes; what jobs are available in the current labor market; what type of training and education are needed for a specific position and how will I afford the necessary training for my field of interest? Read More
Creating a Vision for your Future
One of my favorite exercises in the substance abuse IOP group therapy sessions was Life Mapping. My supervisor used to remind our clients that the work we were doing was great work for all people, including folks with addictions. It was just plain old, good therapy! This exercise helps clients create a clear picture for what they want in their lives. It grew out of some work one of my previous supervisors had done with a Covey leadership development class.
So, how does it work? First, you identify your core values. Examples may include family, career, spirituality, integrity, health, education and sobriety. Then you identify how your current behaviors go against those values. How are the choices and decisions I make dishonoring my core values? For example, if family is your value, perhaps your current behavior is isolating you from your family or causing arguments. Or for career, perhaps your lack of follow through or completion of deadlines is inhibiting your career growth. Here is a worksheet to get you started: VALUES WORKSHEET
Next, you identify what outcomes you would like to see for each value. What do you want in your life? For family, perhaps it is a closer relationship with loved ones, for spirituality maybe it means a closer relationship with God, and for health perhaps your outcome would be feeling well, reducing risk factors or unhealthy behaviors.
Next, you identify the tasks associated with each outcome. These would be the specific behaviors or actions that are critical to accomplishing your outcomes and staying true to your core values.
Examples of tasks for health may be: eat 5 small meals a day, count my calories, exercise 3 days per week for 30 minutes, practice meditation 5 minutes each day.
For family, some examples might include: eat dinner together every night at 6pm, spend time as a family outside the home 2 times per month for at least 2 hours doing an activity in which we are engaged with each other (not going to a movie), implement a date night on Fridays with my spouse.
For career, tasks may include: get to work 5 minutes early each day, ask for additional training, meet with my supervisor to develop a development plan. I created this worksheet: LIFE MAPPING WORKSHEET to assist you in Creating your Vision.
The next phase is consolidating your Life Map into a Vision Statement. This one can take some time, and I recommend doing a talk-through-walk-through first.
Pretend I am an old friend and have not seen you for a year, and I see you at the supermarket and say, “Hey there! I haven’t seen you in such a long time. How are you? Tell me what’s new in your life?” Using the information you gathered about what outcomes you want for your life from your Life Map, speak as though you are currently living the life you have envisioned in your diagram. Use the tasks and outcomes to describe the changes that have occurred in your life. An example may be something like this:
Gosh, Missy, so much has happened! Life is great! I feel calm and peaceful, my family relationships are loving and connected and we spend time together having fun and learning. My body is strong and ready for each new day that comes. My career has moved to a new level where I feel proud and motivated each day. My relationship with God grows each day through prayer and meditation.
As I blogged about before, creating clarity is the beginning of the process of change. Iyanla Vanzant said in a speech she gave on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, “Your eyes adjust to the amount of deficiency present.” Think about that.
Read it again….Your eyes….adjust….to the amount of deficiency present.
So you get used to deciphering life through fuzzy eyes, you adapt and compensate, and inevitably miss things. If our vision for our lives is unclear, or we cannot even see an outcome that we would like or need, than we begin to believe that the possibility of our hopes and dreams are unachievable.
The deficiency may be the story we tell ourselves, the doubts we allow others to speak into us, or the insecurities that stifle us. Sometimes we let others talk us into or out of what we truly want and sometimes we do not need any help setting ourselves back. We may even begin to believe that the dreams we have are unrealistic. How will you nurture and foster your dreams to create a vision for your future?
“The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can’t are both right. Which one are you?” ~ Henry Ford
Being thankful in the face of adversity
Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Gracia. Many thanks. That meant a lot to me. You helped me more than you know. You rock!
These are all ways to express gratitude for the gifts large and small that come upon us in our lives. Thanksgiving is a good day to celebrate your life and revel in the blessings that you are surrounded with each day. It may be difficult to find something to be thankful for sometimes, especially for those that may be managing a tragedy such as a job loss, financial troubles, mental health concerns, illness, the death of a loved one, or other misfortunes that come around in life. Even in these most difficult times, finding the things that make you smile, that offer you even moments of joy in your life may build the momentum to bring you out of the life situation you may be in. There is a saying, “Choose your attitude” and, “live your life with intention.” Read More
Fear…a dirty four letter word!
A few blogs ago we talked a bit about finding love that lasts and how that dirty four letter word – fear – impacts love, decisions, motivation and life in general, so I thought I would share a recent fear of my own. Read More
Multicultural Counseling
Becoming a multiculturally competent counselor requires research, understanding the basics about the different populations you serve, diligence, and the ability to know your limits. Meet your clients where they are and understand that counseling a multicultural population is not a one size fits all strategy. It is about being aware of your own biases and prejudices and doing the work to overcome them so that you can be an effective professional. As much as we want to help everyone, we cannot possibly be a specialist in everything. When we meet with clients from different cultures, we must consider other aspects of their diversity as an individual that include more than what you see; such as disability, age, sexual orientation and gender, spirituality and mental illness. The term diversity has seemed over the ages to be viewed as a black or white issue, but to me understanding diversity is about being open to the experience of others that are different from you, and seeing and appreciating them for who they are. When we are able to meet a client in a place that shows no judgment, that offers unconditional positive regard, genuineness and respect, the opportunity to help them make progress can be limitless. Read More
Little things matter
Most days we float around in our own little world having no idea the impact we can have on others. From the passing smile to a stranger, the phone call to a customer, the angry eyes we give a loved one when they annoy us, even having a chance to vote, calling a friend or family member to catch up or giving our best effort towards activities we are a part of. These small things can make a big difference. In this big world that constantly tells us through media, politics, and consumerism that we are not enough, that we need something or someone to be of value, we may start to question how our involvement could matter. The American culture is one of individualistic mindsets. We don’t know our neighbors, we are too busy to build deep relationships with our coworkers – who may be competition, even our kids spend less time cultivating face to face relationships and instead spend time online or texting. The value of face to face connections, of a hug, smile or handshake cannot be underestimated. Read More
Counseling Theories
What did I learned in my last Counseling class before my field experience? I thought I knew something about Counseling Theorists, but then Dr. D had this way of showing you the theories in such a way that they really stick.
The class structure was a great format to dissect and dig into theories. The process of presentation followed by professor overview, then movement into a live role play, and finally into an activity created an environment of learning that leaves room for participation, learning and feedback. I got the most from the role plays, as these helped me see how different theories can impact individuals and problems. These experiences have helped me choose the theories that I believe in and trust will work for my style and my view of human nature and development. I have learned that theory is the second most important part of working with clients. Read More
Counseling and Life 